Valentine's Day Idiocy
by Mr.Parodious
Summary: "I'd like if maybe... just for today... aw, screw it, be my Valentine you turd." Mordecai x Margaret moments, but mainly Mordecai X Rigby. Oneshot.


**Just a simple oneshot, guiz. Nothin' special. Nothin' too serious. BTW: Valentine's Day is a scam, but it doesn't hurt to try something festive or some shit.**

"So like, how'd it go?" A raccoon asked with a glum looking frown on his face. His name was Rigby.

"Oh. Uhh... you mean with Margaret?" A blue jay responded, spacing out for a bit. His name was Mordecai. The two were out on the porch of a house. The sun was setting fast.

"Yeah. How'd it go? Did you freeze up again?"

The blue jay just responded with a warm smile, contemplating in his mind some fond memories from earlier this day. "Nope." He started, growing more and more gleeful as the memories rushed in his head, "Well... maybe a little... but I got over it pretty quickly. Man, it was awesome. I still can't believe I had a dinner date with her. At "El Costoso" of all places..."

"The place with the napkins?" Rigby perked up a bit, seemingly intrigued. "How'd you even afford to go there?"

"They had this special going on, so we got a pretty big discount. I think it was for Valentine's Day couples and stuff."

The raccoon grew a bit disgusted, it was clear he had a certain "distaste" for the words: "Valentine's Day"

"Man, I don't get you Mordecai." Rigby started with a sigh "I told you like a thousand times how all this "Valentine's Day" junk is all a big scam, but you never listen! Can't you see they're ripping you off big time?"

Mordecai let out a small chuckle. Rigby always managed to put a smile on his face, mostly unintentionally. Yes, he remembers all his small raccoon bud's lengthy rants about how stuff is intentionally overpriced on Valentine's Day to swindle idiots from their savings. (Ironically, this never stopped Rigby from stuffing his face with Valentine's Day candy every year) The blue jay always suspected that Rigby hated the day because he was jealous of how everyone except him would get gifts from their significant other. However, hindsight has proven wrong about this. VERY wrong, in fact. Still, Mordecai couldn't be bothered by it today. Today was far too amazing to let something that stupid to ruin it.

Yes, as mentioned earlier, today Mordecai finally got to enjoy a date with the girl of his dreams. Her name was Margaret, she was a red breasted robin that worked at a local coffee shop Mordecai visited. He always had a thing for her, but for some odd reason, she just never got the hints. It really wasn't until that camping trip, or that embarrassing incident with the butt dialing that Margaret started noticing him more. Then one thing lead to the other, and well, here we are.

It felt good, no wait, it felt GREAT to finally go on a honest to God date with her. And on Valentine's Day of all days too. There was dinner, music, maybe a little bit of dancing too. Mordecai also got to learn a lot about Margaret herself that he didn't even know about. She was really smart (embarrassingly smarter than Mordecai), charming, kind of geeky too. She's actually a lot like Mordecai when he went to art school; always willing to try anything (Kind of explains all her different boyfriends) it made Mordecai feel pretty bad that all this time he only saw a pair of "lady pecs" when she herself was this amazing person.

A lot of sparks flew that day, Mordecai could tell that Margaret was also pleasantly surprised to finally get to know the "real" Mordecai. He really felt a strong connection forming between them. Alas, the day came to an end, but both birds walked back home, eager to talk to each other again. And here he is now, chatting it up with his spazzy friend. Rigby was getting pretty intense with his rant now. It may be time to intervene.

"Alright, alright man. Don't start foaming from the mouth either. Why do you hate Valentine's Day so much, anyways?"

"Why do I... Dude! It's a complete and total scam! They're literally BRAINWASHING people into buying worthless crap because of "love" or somthin'"

"Well, what's so wrong about getting something nice for someone you like, huh? What, spending a few bucks for one day is too much for someone to handle"

"Yes! I mean, no, wait, that isn't my point" Rigby frantically retorted, "Dude, look, what I'm trying to say is you don't need a single day to do something nice for that, yknow... that "someone". Like, why should you have to spend ten bucks on a bouquet of flowers JUST cause it's a certain day? I dunno, can't you just do it on any old day?"

"Well... no offense but... you never seem to do anything for... y'know, that "someone." And yet you say you uh... love... me..."

Right when those words left from the bird's mouth, Rigby's expression became quickly agitated, and just like that, droop down into a very gloomy face gesture. His tail frizzed for a bit too, but then dropped down, letting itself be dragged around. He sat back down on the porch, and looked straight down to the ground. To put it simple, he went from raving and ranting right into being just depressed.

To be fair... Mordecai should have known better than to have mentioned... _that._ Remember how Mordecai mentioned earlier that hindsight proved him wrong on why Rigby had such an intense hatred of Valentine's Day? Yeah, turns out, Rigby really doesn't have any real jealousy of anyone at all. Get this: turns out, Rigby really likes Mordecai. And by like, he means how Mordecai likes Margaret. Yeah, THAT like. It's actually a miracle that he hasn't gone in a downward depressed spiral after he found out about Mordecai's new relationship with Margaret. Surprisingly, he's been really positive about it.

And it wasn't something small like a bro-mance or hell, how a schoolgirl would like the first pretty boy she'd find. No, he was serious about it, he passionately likes Mordecai. Maybe even more than how Mordecai would like Margaret. How he managed to keep it to himself all this time is actually a miracle, now that Mordecai thought about it. It just happened on a random day, he just went up, asked Mordecai to talk to him in private in their room, and almost broke down emotionally while confessing this... well... ah screw it, confessing his love.

It was... very strange to say the least. That day, Rigby said he didn't care if Mordecai didn't feel the same way. All he wanted was to stay friends with him, nothing changed, nothing altered. He just wanted to not hide his feelings from Mordecai anymore. And well, ever since then, he's asked Mordecai to not talk about it. Mordecai always knew that Rigby's never been an emotional guy, nevertheless a "romantic". But when it came to these specific emotions, he always seemed to be so negative about. He'd get closed to Mordecai and maybe rub himself up to him a bit, but the second Mordecai would try to touch him, y'know, like a pat on the back or on rare occasions, a hug for comfort, he just flusters up and scoots away. And then he'd be like this, all depressed and stuff.

Mordecai can... kind of understand why. Rigby knows that Mordecai's as straight as ruler, and there's nothing that could be changed about it. Apparently though, according to Rigby, he just can't control his emotions now as good as before. From out of nowhere, he'd grab Mordecai's hand, he'd get very defensive if someone even mentions his "relationship" with Mordecai. He's just so... different than he was before. And frankly, Mordecai himself doesn't feel as comfortable hanging out with him as before. He knows it's silly to think this, but... just like how Rigby apparently is naturally attracted to the bird, Mordecai just... doesn't feel comfortable with him. It's hard to explain without coming off as an ass (and really, Mordecai's not trying to come off as an ass at the very least), but he just did. Mordecai was completely tolerant about him, don't get him wrong, but... It just... ughh... it just didn't _feel_ right for him. Truthfully, he's still the immature raccoon he's been friends with since childhood. It's just that... uhh... It just feels really weird is all, being next to him. And he can tell Rigby feels awkward around him too, just a different kind of awkward. So now, they agreed to not hang around each other as much. They still talk here and there, and of course slack off when Benson isn't looking, but neither of them can really say they've hung out for a while. Rigby even suggested to Benson to let him sleep in the living room a couple of times.

Still though, Mordecai couldn't help but have some pity for the mopey little guy. Especially whenever he clams up like this Maybe a little bit of comforting wouldn't hurt too much.

Mordecai frowned a bit, and walked up right next to the raccoon. He too took a seat.

"Hey, uhh... sorry. I forgot you don't like talking about... that..."

"No, no, it's fine. I mean... maybe I am just overreacting about all this Valentine's Day crap." Rigby sighed, he started blushing a bit.

"Well, you kinda make some sense." Mordecai retorted, he scooted next to him a bit. He tried to pat the raccoon, but Rigby could sense the upcoming contact. He started glowing red again, trying to scoot away from the bird.

"Oh, just let me touch you for a bit, dammit." Mordecai bluntly said. Rigby stopped moving, and let the blue jay's warm feather hand touch his back. Mordecai could feel Rigby was enjoying it, his face was still pretty glum though.

"Like I was saying, you kinda make some sense. I mean... I guess people shouldn't get too crazy about this whole Valentine's Day stuff. That and roses are overpriced as hell."

"See, told you so..."

"But dude, I guess it's just the thought that counts. Not really the stuff itself. If that were the case, Margaret would have totally dumped me on the first day."

Rigby stayed silent. The patting became petting. Again, Mordecai was doing this only to comfort him. Not real emotion like Rigby would have expressed. Yet at the same time, it sort of was. Just, not exactly in a romantic style, if you know what he means.

"Let's be honest," Mordecai started, using his best nice guy voice he could conceive, "This day is just as important as say, Arbor Day I guess. What makes it really special is who you spend it with. And hey, I really don't mind kicking it with you after my big date."

"..."

"Just don't let it get to you is all. Hey, why don't we go inside and play some Dig Champs? It's kind of getting cold out here."

The wind has been growing a bit chilly, it wouldn't be wise to stay out for too long. Mordecai wrapped his arm on the raccoon's shoulder. He could feel Rigby shivering a bit, he too must also want to go inside. Rigby stood up, and moved Mordecai's arm off him.

"Wait here," he said, "I got somethin' for you."

The raccoon walked into the house, his tail dragging behind him. Mordecai could hear the creeks of the wooden planks as Rigby climbed up the stairs. He then heard some rustling coming from the second floor, probably Rigby moving junk around in their room. He came back out with a more neutral look on his face, and in his hand, what looked like a big red heart shaped box. Rigby started blushing again, he grimaced a bit and sat back next to Mordecai. The blue jay couldn't help but laugh a bit, not because of the notion of his best friend giving him such an unusual gift, but because he was acting so nervous about it.

"Dude... Is that for me?" Mordecai chuckled a bit. Rigby grew intensely red, as he as he shoved the box right in the blue jay's arms.

"Here. Take it." Rigby grunted. He crossed his arms like a little kid would. Mordecai kept giggling, this was seriously not expected at all. He held the lid of the box, ready to open it.

"You're suppose to read the card before you open the box, stupid." Rigby mumbled, interrupting the opening process.

"Card? What card?"

Rigby continued blushing, he pulled out a white card and shoved it at Mordecai just as he did with the box. Now Mordecai was really intrigued. The white card had nothing on the cover but a crude picture of a pair of sunglasses on it. There were also a couple of small stains on it. Probably ketchup stains knowing Rigby, but whatever. Mordecai opened the card as instructed. All that was in it was some crudely scribbled black text that read:

_"Mordecai:_

_Just wanted to say, congrats on finally growing a pair and getting it with Margaret._

_You really don't have to worry about me. Trust me, I'm perfectly fine with you dating her._

_I know you kinda feel awkward being around me now, and trust me, I get why._

_But... y'know... the fact that you've put up with me for all this time, especially now when you know everything..._

_Well... I just... wanted to say thanks._

_And... maybe you could, I mean, just for today..._

…

_..._

_Aww, screw it. Be my valentine, you turd._

_- Rigbone"_

Mordecai smiled a bit, it then grew into a giant goofy grin. It was really hard to describe what he was feeling right now (This seems to be very common these days, however.) In a sense, Mordecai felt a little bit selfish. He not only enjoyed his official relationship with Margaret, but in a way, it also felt great knowing that someone like Rigby felt really close to him. Again, Mordecai isn't completely sure about this, he still has his doubts, but... seeing little things like this, things that show how lucky he's got such great friends, it just made his day whole.

Mordecai said nothing, but Rigby saw the grin on his face. His stubborn, angry like demeanor just melted away, leaving a small tired smile on his face too.

"Hey, you already read the card," Rigby chirped up, "Open the damn box already."

And so Mordecai complied. As expected, the box was filled with assorted chocolates. White ones, darker brown ones, ones with stripes, others with swirls. Mordecai grabbed a few, and started eating away. Rigby grabbed an entire fistful of them, stuffing them all at once.

"Gee," Mordecai sarcastically began "I wonder why everything you give me is food related. I wonder why."

"Uhh... so I can eat it. Duh."

"Uh-huh. And how much did you pay for it?"

"... Damn thing cost me ten bucks, so eat up ya turd,"

"Oh, so like it's fine for you to spend that much money on freaking chocolates, yet if I were to do it, I'm an idiot, huh?" Mordecai retorted, again all in good fun.

"Stop talking..." The raccoon mumbled back.

"You're so weird dude." Mordecai finished with a gulp. He started petting Rigby again, the raccoon was enjoying it quite a bit, though he refused to show it.

"Yeah, whatever man. Do me a solid and next time you see Margaret, tell her she's one lucky lady..."

"Fine, I will." Mordecai replied. Rigby's such a weirdo...

…

"I hate Valentine's Day..." Rigby said under his breath

"Oh, shut up."

**- Mr. P**


End file.
